Home Is Where the Heart Is

I stopped blogging because...well because things seemed alright for awhile. But I need to come back. I need some place to be real. To sort. To organize thoughts. To ask questions.

I couldn't really put it into words until I got here. I left my home because of one particular event that happened. I told everyone I was leaving because of adventure and because I felt stuck and blah blah and those reasons are all TRUE but they were all sub-reasons. I was leaving because of one event that happened at the end of college and I felt as though if I didn’t move I would die. So I moved! And I’m alive! Yay!

And it was truly the best decision ever made aside from following Christ. I have changed immensely since being here, discovered new things, grown, developed, stretched, seen new things, experienced things...and I have never regretted it for one second. I love this city, everything about it! I love my roommate. I love my apartment. I love more things here than I could even list!

Yet the month of October has brought a wave of mental illness and serious life doubts along with it. With all the things I love, I am completely unhappy with two major life things. Also, for two months now I have wanted to go home every single night. (Which is a big deal because I didn’t feel homesick even one time for a solid year after moving here.) I am confused and often wonder if my homesickness is not actual homesickness at all but rather just a result of my extreme displeasure in the two major life areas.

First, there is my church. I have never felt so a part of something and yet so alone at the same time. I long for community. I long for relationships. I long for connection, sharing, friendships, conversation. I feel I have very very little of any of those things at my church. I have been there for over a year and yet every week I feel “on the outside looking in.” After two months of deliberation, and talking it over and over with my mother and roommate, I have decided to try to approach the head of the church and talk it over. I’m afraid. I’m afraid they will ask me to step down from being a team leader. I’m afraid they will ask me to leave the church. I’m very afraid that they might act or speak in ways during the conversation that will make me WANT to leave. I don’t want to leave. I want to stay.

But flipping through my journals tonight revealed something incredible to me–I’ve felt this way about my church longer than two months. I thought these were new feelings but my journal revealed I have been feeling them for eight months and not accepting that maybe I should try to do something different. But I am afraid to leave. I am afraid of hurt feelings. I am afraid of tension, awkwardness, fights, bitterness. More than anything in the universe, I am afraid of that bad event that happened in college happening again. And then I'll really have to move again! Is that what my life is? Causing one bad event and then the next and moving to get away? What happens when I run out of states?

I am afraid of being hurt. Honestly, there is no way I could leave without hurting them or being hurt. And despite the ways I feel so unhappy, this is the only church I've been to for my time here and I would miss even the miserable feelings so much. I am afraid there is nothing better. I’ve been to other churches, I’ve seen what they are like. All big and showy and flashy and “relevant.” I don’t want a church like that. I don’t want lights and a stage, I don’t want a show, I don’t want theatre. I just want REAL people. My church has REAL people, it’s just that they REALLY don’t connect with me.

Second life thing I don't like is my job. I love the job I do and the money I make. I loathe my boss. Sounds like not a big deal, but the type of job I have is one that I work constantly with my boss. You could say I am her “assistant.” And it’s not just that I don’t like the way she says things sometimes...no, no...this lady is certifiably CRAZY. She is emotionally and verbally abusive to everyone around her. She lies, cheats, steals, and tricks others into situations to make them look bad. She rejoices when others make mistakes. She never accepts blame, never admits to being wrong, and loves to create drama anytime she sees an opportunity. She is a PSYCHOPATH. There have been countless people work with her before me and no one has stayed very long. Of course I didn’t know that until after I took the job.

This is a much easier problem to fix because I WANT TO LEAVE! The only problem is, I feel as though homesickness is winning out and I keep thinking if I can make it with her a few more weeks then I can gather enough paychecks to get out of here. I also am keenly aware of the fact that despite my fancy diploma, jobs are ridiculously hard to find with as little experience as I have. I searched for the job I have now for over three months. So it’s back to the drawing boards as far as a job goes but until something else comes along, I have to be stuck in misery with crazy lady who makes me pray I get in a car accident on the way to work so I don't have to go in that day.

My heart has not been here this month. My heart is at home. But I have a major responsibility here to my roommate and I cannot just up and leave her until our lease expires which is 9 ½ months away! That is too long to be stuck in misery. I won't make it. Something has got to give and fast.

I have so many questions and no one to discuss them with. There were A LOT of reasons I left home. What if I happen to find someone to room with my roommate and I hop on a plane and one month or two months down the road I remember why I left? What if I start to feel suffocated again? I can’t come back! I can’t go back and forth! What if the reason I left home in the first place, that event I was trying to get over, what if I’m not over it? What if when I go back it starts to hurt again? What if there are no better churches and no better jobs at home?

But the biggest question is...if I found a church that I clicked with, one in which I could have family and friends and community and a place to grow spiritually, and IF I could somehow find another job...would I still want to leave here?

But night like tonight I feel like I can’t stay here a moment longer no matter what job or church came along...