75% of me feels comforted by that. 75% of me likes that I have someone to call in an emergency and that if I were to die some people here would know. To know others and be known is something many people in the world seek
And yet, the other 25% of me sort of wants to pack up and leave to somewhere new now.
I guess there's just that one little quarter of me that doesn't want to be known by anyone anymore. I don't feel like I've necessarily been honest with everyone...including myself...in all my reasons for coming here. I think part of it is that relationships hurt. When you get close to people, it can be dangerous because people who know you well can hurt you the absolute most. And getting attached to people is just...a really hard thing to get over.
To be in a place where no one can hurt you because no one knows you, well it feels a little bit comforting.
I still like it here. For a good whole month I didn't cry one tear and I only missed people in words.
But a few nights ago, I had a dream about all my friends and I began to miss people with my entire soul. I began to miss the wrinkles on their faces, and the way a hug from them warms my heart. I began to miss the way their eyes look at me and all their quirks and every single thing that irritates me about them. I miss my mom and my two best friends and my friends from college and my aunt and uncle.
I don't want to miss people. I want to be a big girl. I want to be someone that my friends can be proud of. I want them to know that I haven't cried that much and that I'm doing really well and I'm being so strong and so big. I'm trying not to dwell on it and be strong. I want people to look at me and think I am strong, that I am an independent woman.
I suppose I'm not quite there yet.
To be unknown is safe. But the way I'm feeling tonight, I'd rather run back and be hurt by the people I love.
