I keep experiencing things that I am now able to label as Borderline and with each experience I think "this is the worst part of BPD" but each new aspect seems to be the new worst part. By "worst part" I mean the part that interferes with my functioning the most.
What even is Borderline Personality Disorder? I'll tell you. (You won't like it but I'll tell you.)
*It's planning how to cut others out of your life because you feel attached to them and you don't want to get hurt.
*It's saying "no" to plans with friends that you desperately want to be a part of because you don't want to feel the disappointment of it ending when the day is over.
*It's self harming in the bathroom ten minutes before greeting people warmly and casually.
*It's feeling like your brain is working against you - thinking that people dislike you and then being angry with yourself for thinking those thoughts, and then being angry with yourself for being angry with yourself and then shame and guilt for being angry with yourself and then thinking no wonder people dislike you, and the cycle goes on and on and on.
*It's having a beautiful evening with friends and family, feeling completely fulfilled and then when it's time to leave you feel sheer panic. You frantically think of any plan of how to leave without saying goodbye because you can't handle saying goodbye. You feel ashamed that you're a grown adult who can't handle something so easy for everyone else. The shame, it eats you, and you go home and want to self harm. And you're angry with yourself for not being able to feel your feelings and angry with yourself for not being able to say goodbye and angry with yourself for feeling shame and angry with yourself for being angry with yourself and you can't talk to anyone about it because no one would understand why you could possibly be so upset after having such a fun night so you are just utterly alone.
*It's constant dread - dreading every conversation and every social moment because you know your brain is so fragile and you don't know what could wreck your world. Will someone tell me there was a birthday party I wasn't invited to? Will someone tell me they are going out of town? If I take a chance and text this person, will they respond or leave me feeling rejected? (People are known to say that interacting with someone with BPD is like "walking on eggshells" but you people don't understand that ME interacting with MYSELF is walking on eggshells!!)*It’s when a friend decides they’re going on a vacation you know you're not allowed to be upset, you know that's insanely unreasonable and psychotic but you can't help the empty feeling that creeps in. You know it's RIDICULOUS but you feel like you're re-experiencing a trauma and being abandoned. But you know if anyone finds out you feel that way, they'll know you are a freak so you try to hide it. You feel so ashamed for the way you feel so you seek to punish yourself. You try to fix the situation by acting like you don't miss your friends when they're gone and you don't need anyone and you're fine by yourself.
*It's feeling "jealous" ALL. THE. DANG. TIME. I used to think having a favorite person was the worst part of Borderline, due to all the anxiety surrounding trying to not have one. After I accepted that I will most likely always have a favorite person, I realized the worst part is dealing with the anxiety and jealousy surrounding the favorite person. That's what destroys relationships the fastest. Give me any healthy friendship and I'll show you the quickest way to kill it - jealousy, fear, anxiety, and unfair expectations.
It's like your life is an empty cup and you don't have any resources to fill it. But this is how my life with Borderline works - these wonderful, amazing people come into your life and they are holding big water jugs!! You are so happy and you hold out your cup and these people WANT to fill it!! And you want them to fill it too!!! It feels like a win/win!! So you hold out your cup eagerly and they pour eagerly but like a cruel magic trick, all the water evaporates the second it comes in contact with air and only 3 dewy drops survive to the bottom of your cup. Both you and the amazing person look with furrowed brows at your cup."That's all the water I have" They say with deep sadness in their eyes. Because they care about you and they wanted what they had to work. They wanted it to fill your cup and be enough.
"It's enough!" I say. I try to muster all my bravery. "It really is enough!" I try with all my might to reassure them.
"See? Yum!!" I drink the half sip and my parched mouth throbs in anger at the tease.
This happens again and again and again and again. I have so many wonderful friends. I have people who truly do love me. But something's wrong with my cup (or with me?)
The worst part of everything, is that when Christians hear anything about "empty" they assume you are not letting Jesus fill you. "Christ will fill you," they say. But what if this is not about being filled or not filled, this is about the way my brain operates? Stop preaching that God will cure all mental illnesses unless you also believe God will cure all cases of cancer. Stop preaching that someone struggling to be mentally stable is doing something wrong unless you also believe cancer patients did something to deserve their diagnosis.
I'm tired of this disorder. It's been following me around for so long. I thought now that I could name it that I would feel in control. I thought that it wouldn't have me, but that I would have it. Some days I do feel that, but not today. I'm exhausted from myself. I wish that I could escape from my own body. I wish my actions didn't hurt those around me.
I am desperately afraid people will leave me but I'm so much more desperately afraid of myself leaving them because that's what I keep doing and I don't know how to foil my own plans. Everything feels intense all the time and I want a break. My emotions are too big.
Borderline is impossible because I do what I don’t feel and I feel what I don’t do.
I miss someone = I completely avoid them
I have a good time = The urge to self-harm is overwhelming
I want to be close to someone = I tell myself I'm not allowed to feel that way because I could get hurt
It feels like I am the king in that old children's story - the king who is granted one wish and he wishes that everything he touches turns to gold. POOF! Everything he touches turns to gold. But all the sudden, his loneliness hits him because he can't be around his wife or kids because if he touches them, they will turn to gold. He suddenly realizes the devastation of his powers and how anyone he really loves should stay away, lest he accidentally turns them to gold! I feel like that in relationships. I try to keep everyone at a safe distance, lest I accidentally touch them, lest they mistakenly believe their water will work for my cup.
BPD feels like utter defeat and failure every day. I fail when I fail, and I force myself to fail when I win. It's the epitome of a lose/lose.
I am still practicing hope this year, but today, I just want talk about the way chronic mental illness sometimes robs you of hope.
