Pretend you are driving and you are enjoying it. There are no cars as far as the eye can see and the open road feels like a fresh breeze. You can feel your soul taking it all in. The trees are so bright, the grass is so green. Your favorite song comes on the radio and you don't even try to control the goofy grin on your face while you turn it up and belt out the tune. You feel invigorated and powerful. Happy. In control.
Slowly your speedometer begins to climb above the speed limit. 10 over isn't that bad, you reason. And besides, there is no one around and you have a long drive so you let your foot rest on the pedal and your speed increases slowly...so slowly you barely notice. There is no one this could hurt except myself, so it's okay, you think with a shrug. Cruising around you are totally relaxed, in your element.
Your eye flits to a yellow triangle sign so far over on the right that you are forced to turn your relaxed head to read it. It takes a second to sink in.
Dead End ahead.
You try to swallow the flash of fear that is overcoming your body. Suddenly you are aware of yourself tensing up and your heart palpitating. You turn the music down and sit up, trying to make a plan. After the shock disappears, you feel denial. How could this wide road be a dead end? Surely that sign was talking about a different road. Maybe there was an exit I didn't see and it was talking about that road. Or maybe that was on old sign and someone just forgot to take it down. Yeah, that's probably it!
But you know the truth. Because you've traveled on roads like this before. You know this is a dead end. Suddenly you realize you are going fast. Way, way too fast. You frantically press the brakes but they are a fake pedal, easily pressed down to the floor board of your car without catching anything or slowing your momentum. Is this a toy car?!
You can see in the faint distance an orange cone. A road block. It's a dead end.
Panic.
You are going to die. Death is close. And there is nothing you can do. You aren't the driver. You cannot stop the car.
You play the options over in your head. Jump out of the car and die. Stay in the car and die. You've done this before. Jump out of the car and die. Stay in the car and die. What is the lesser of two evils? Suddenly you remember you are good at this. You force yourself to become totally relaxed. Not the real kind of relaxation but the adrenaline kind of survival relaxation. You take a deep breath and laugh because you knew you were right. You were right this whole time! You said this would happen and it did! (No one seems to believe you when you tell them how this has happened to you before). The orange cone is appearing closer. You see no road ahead - only a large gap where your car will go off the cliff in moments.
I am in that car and I have crashed before. It's terrible. It takes months - years - of healing to get back to normal again. Years to sleep again. Years to drive again. And yet I keep getting in that car. I keep getting on that road.
I am always in that same car, going the same way with the same result. When people ask me why I have to leave I can't explain it to them. I can't tell them that my life is about to crash because they don't understand. It doesn't happen to most people so it's a difficult thing to explain.
I love people too much. And when I love them, we get in that car. It's not hard to do at first and it feels good. I feel happy and not scared. I feel high and in my element. I love others slowly but that speedometer is steady. It climbs and climbs and I begin to see a warning sign and then... well, I am scared now. Because we are going to crash. I saw the dead end sign and there's nothing I can do.
How can I not crash? How can I brake? How how how!? How do you live life in a normal way and still love others and keep it under control? I've been to counseling for years trying to learn how to brake. I've read millions of books about how to crash less hard. They even have invented medicine that makes you not feel the crash as bad. But I've decided, from now on, I'm just jumping out of the car. No more crashing.
I need saving. I need God. I don't know how to chose God without leaving. So in my life, I will make this decision again and again. I will only love my Savior. I will only worship my God. I will only serve Him. I will leave everything and everyone I love because my heart belongs only to Him and I seem incapable of keeping my loves prioritized.
This is why I leave. I leave places I love, I leave people I love, I leave things I care and am passionate about. Not because I want to but because if I don't, I will die.
(And if you don't know what to make of this, then we will not relate)
