I kept saying I wanted to move here because I wanted things to be different. And guess what? They are! But life is a fickle thing and things are different in a way I hadn't expected before.
Adventure I wanted...and adventure did I get! But adventure doesn't always look the way we want it too. When we think of adventure, I think we mostly think of the after part. We think of Bell after she married the Beast, of Ariel after she got her voice back. We think about the stories we can tell after the hike up the mountain or the three flat tires in one day. But we forget about the actual going through the adventure part - Bell feeling lonely in the castle, Ariel missing her father and realizing she made a mistake, the bugs and the heat and the burning muscles while you are hiking or changing those tires.
I'm in the midst of the adventure right now and I know there will be wonderful stories to tell someday but the middle part of it...is well...different than I thought.
Where do I even begin?
These past two weeks have been extremely full with plans
with people almost every night of the week. I have new friends to eat with,
church small groups, meetings at work, even a date! I have had conversations
with new friends that felt like they were old friends and I have recently been
able to feel connected here in ways I haven't since I was in college. I am so
happy and it's not that I don't miss my old friends anymore because I do, it's
just that my heart doesn't necessarily ache for them in the way that it
normally does. I don't feel the powerful urge to jump in the car and go see
them and that is a very different and refreshing feeling.
It's a strange paradox though, because the more I feel
connected to people here, the less I felt connected to people at home. I still
wanted to call them or Skype with them but I haven't had the time and then this
weekend when I have tried to get caught up - they all seem too busy in their
own lives as well.
I'm thankful to be connected here but I feel almost stuck in
the middle - like I have friends at home and friends here but neither one are
super close since old ones are fading and the new ones are still new. I want to
stay extremely connected in both places which takes a lot of energy and is
something I cannot do on my own. I'm beginning to see some friends not want to
make the effort to stay as connected as I'd like and it hurts.
I know full well that I haven't been 100% honest in why I
moved here. I know I truly moved here because in my heart of hearts I knew I
had to get away and let go of some things I never could have let go of back
home. I know that and I am proud of myself for trying to move on, but I'm not
completely ready to just let go just yet.
I do realize that at some point, there will come a time when I must stop sharing every little detail with my friends about my daily life and they will stop sharing every little detail with me. Soon we will begin sharing only broader details about our weeks, our months and a little later it becomes an even larger gap where we only speak a few times a year or even just every few years and we send each other Christmas cards and wedding invites. But I'm not ready for that point yet. I'm not ready to let go. And it hurts me if some of my friends are there so quickly.
My job...oh my job. It's an adventure all it's own. I took this job because I applied at over thirty places and it was the only one to call me back. Silly me thought with a college degree I'd be able to waltz into a job anywhere (no one told me experience was necessary and degrees don't mean much except student loan payments) and that is definitely not the case. Even after I accepted this job I thought I'd be there two weeks, maybe a month max. I thought surely once I moved here I'd be able to get any other job immediately! But noooo....I've been at my oh so temporary job about two months now.
I'm so thankful to be working and having a paycheck but it's...it's just not for me. My heart aches to be with foster children who hurt and ache and need so much help. I don't like the drama, manipulation and dishonesty around me. I understand that happens in EVERY job - believe me I'm not waiting for a perfect place to work. It's just that my soul longs for a specific job that I cannot seem to get my foot in the door for. Not only that, but I don't like who I am when I'm there. I am mean, frustrated, a short fuse. I get angry and don't treat the kids the way I would want to be treated. I know that if I were in daycare, I wouldn't want me as my teacher.
But these past few weeks I have been reminded of God's enormous love for me. He is so capable of giving me a new job and yet door after door has been closed and I am growing more and more confident that He is in control and has me right where He wants me.
God knows the absolute BEST possible plan for me and although at times I wish some aspects of it were different, I am certain that He won't keep me there a day longer than I'm supposed to be there. He has blessed me greatly with new friends and family here and I am thankful. This morning a wonderful peace has overwhelmed me and I just know that He is in control.
