I'm moving because I want different.
I want life to look different. I want to feel different(ly). I want to be a different person. I want different people whom I can interact with in a different way and who see me different(ly). I want people whom I can love different(ly) and who love me different(ly) and whom I can have different relationships with.
I want to see things different(ly). I want a new perspective and some fresh air. I feel stagnant here. Suffocating. Like I'm caught in a warp of thick, humid air with no way to get a sunburn or freeze.
I want to be a different person. I want to be the type of person who would never get in fights with other people for ridiculous reasons. I want to be the type of person who would never text mean things. I want to be mature. I want to be the type of person whom no one would ever give up on. I want the good parts of me to outweigh the bad. I want to be strong and independent. Not afraid of things. Doesn't cry all the time. Not a big, fragile baby. I want to be tough. I want to be everything I am not. Good-hearted. Kind. Easy to love. Easy to get along with. Easy to be with. Healthy. Normal.
I'm moving 794 miles away because somehow in my mind it makes me feel like I can be different there. It makes me feel like I can become better.
I got asked tonight if I'd ever get to a place where I've "found myself" or where I like myself enough to not change anymore. It was a good question and honestly, I don't know the answer. I don't know that I'll ever truly love myself. I don't really know what that looks like. I don't know that I'll ever feel okay with who I am or what I've done. I don't know that I'll ever be able to forgive myself for every February that's ever happened. I will never be good enough for myself (as explained in this post here). How could I change enough to make up for what has happened? I don't think I can. I think I can only change enough to make sure it doesn't ever happened again. I don't see how I could ever be good enough, or kind enough, or different enough to be happy with who I am.
But since I want everything to be different....
Maybe I will try. I will try to be different in the way that I love myself. I will try to be different in the way that I allow myself some breathing room. I will try to let go of some of those mistakes. I will try to be different(ly) in that I find myself and like what I've found
There's so much to say! Way more than what could possibly be explained in one post but I shall try...
My first adventure in this post-college life is that I got a job. An extremely well paying job, with benefits and insurance and a promise to be promoted to shift manager in 6 months. Adventure 1.5 is that I quit after three days because I. HATED. IT. SOOOOOOO much. It was a horrible job and I still don't regret it although I made more in those three days than I will make anywhere else in two weeks.
The second adventure is that I had an enormous emotional breakdown for about three days in which I sobbed continuously and told my mother I had to leave the state or else I was going to die. I tried to get her to see how there were absolutely no jobs for me in this state and how I've met practically every man of marrying age and there's just no one for me here. I sat at home and panic began to set in...I'm a college graduate, living at home, with no job, no plans, no hope for a future. The word "loser" began to become permanently embedded on my arm so I felt like I had to do something to get out of this funk and quick.
Which brings me to my third and by far most exciting adventure.
I haven't written here in a long time because...I have a secret! And I don't want to tell anyone! But then I realized no one reads this anyways so it doesn't matter. Ready for my secret? Okay, here 'goes:
I thought long and hard about who I could convince to help me pack up my car and move to another state with me (because of the no jobs and no suitable knights in armor problem). After a few hours of pleading and begging and persuading, my college roommate decided she would carpe diem with me. So
I'm moving!!!! Yay!!
I wanted to move immediately that weekend but alas being an adult means making decisions that are more "responsible" and "thought-out" (yuck!) So we've spent the past three weeks securing an apartment, u-haul, and a budget. We leave in exactly 360 hours (or 15 days)!
The final adventure of the past month is that because of adventures number two and three...I had to get a job immediately. I needed a downpayment for our apartment and some moolah to fill my car with gas to get down there. So I went down to the *ahem* run-down fast food restaurant I worked at in high school and got a job.
It's not near as bad as I thought it would be and I've been there for three weeks now and finally have some friends. I've been talking to God and I know He is teaching me a lot of humility through this. I think I needed to take this job to get money for our apartment and hop off whatever pedestal I thought I belonged on. The biggest lesson I really see in this is how your job doesn't define who you are in life. I can make $200,000 a year and be the biggest and best business person ever but if I'm not spreading God's Word and investing in the lives of those around me, my entire life is meaningless. Or I could work at this restaurant for forty-five years straight and make a huge impact on the lives of my co-workers and customers and my life would be one of abundant joy and meaning.
I am very thankful God blessed me with a job so quickly, knowing I needed money immediately for the move. He has really been making things fall into place for this and I truly feel like this move is what He is leading me and my roommate to do. I'm so excited to see what He has in store for us!!
I haven't told anyone yet, except of course my mother. My original plan was to leave without telling anyone until I arrived at my destination but with some strong persuasion by my mother, I've been encouraged to tell a few family members who might "get their feelings hurt." I've been holding off on telling them though as long as possible because I just don't want to answer all their questions.
"Why? How? Do you have a job? What are you going to do for work? How will you get money? What about a job? Are you sure you've thought about it enough? Are you sure you've worked everything out? Are you sure you are sure?"
To which I would respond "Because I can. In a Ford. No. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Yes. Yes. Yes."
Everything is pretty much on track except for...yeah the job part. But for three weeks now I've been filling out applications and sending out cover letters daily. I kid you not, I've applied for eighteen jobs so far. Part of the problem is that I have no experience and most of that jobs I'm aiming for require some of that...(who knew?). I've lowered my standards a bit each week and I'm beginning to scratch my head and wonder why I went to college. But if I end up arriving and working at another *ahem* restaurant then so be it. God has always taken care of me and He has something great for me. I know it. He has never let me down and I know that it will work out.
Part of the fun of adventures and fairytales is that we don't know all the details yet. Jumping and not knowing where you are going to land, but trusting whole heartedly that you will land safely at some point is simply faith.
It's restless nights like tonight that make me wish I could get in my car and go now. I miss people I haven't even said goodbye to yet but at the same time I feel so exhilarated that I miss nothing.
I can't wait to be 794 miles away. That will be the real adventure!
