Because I Knew You...

I wanted to say something but I felt frozen solid, like someone suddenly placed my entire body in an ice cube. Three times I opened my mouth but nothing would come out. What do you say in a situation like this? “Hey! I miss you more than the earth misses the sun in the dead of winter!” Don’t think that would be received well. And that’s just it; I don’t think anything I said would be received well so I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t say anything. I was frozen.

I stood among a group of friends in a crowded place, watching an event, when out of nowhere my pastor’s wife and her three munchkins unknowingly moved literally two feet beside me. I could have reached my hand out and touched them on the shoulder. They were so close to me. Seeing their faces again tugged at my heartstrings in so many ways. 

I wanted to hug each little one and tell them how tall they were and how grown up they looked and how much I missed them. I wanted to ask them about school and about their new life adventures and about their new favorite Disney shows. I wanted to thank their mother for everything she’s taught me. For the ways she taught me to pray. For the times she made me feel so special. For the days she went out of her way for me. For each and every special moment we shared. For the times she listened to me. For the times she gave what she had to me. For the times she made me feel like family.

How could something happen to get it all so twisted? How could this person, who gave so much to me, and whom I gave to in return, how could life happen to create a moment where we are standing two feet from each other and cannot speak?! When I think of all the moments, of all the times, of all the gifts, it just breaks my heart into pieces. How does this happen?

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There are day when I feel anger. Days when I want him to apologize not only for what he said, but also for lying to others saying he did not say those words to me. There are so many questions I still have unanswered, so many times when I want to take justice into my own hands, but I am constantly reminded that I serve a God who is much wiser and much more Just than I ever could be. I serve a God who is righteous and He continually assures me that He can handle it and I don't need to worry. 

There are days when I feel angry. But most days, I just feel sad. I miss them. I feel sad because I miss them and I feel even more sad because I don't think they've ever missed me. I don't think there's an empty spot in their church where I used to be. They don’t think like that. They are different people than me because they just shrug their shoulders and say, “we aren’t for everyone” and move on to the next person. I wish I could shrug my shoulders and say "I'm not for everyone," and just move on and forget about them but I don't really operate that way.

I know they wouldn’t be able to comprehend the way I think about them. How chip clips from IKEA get me choked up and how famous Disney songs make my heart ache. How a perfect evening in my mind would be spending two hours helping her eldest with homework. They have no idea how when I go to the aquarium or speak Spanish or hear our cities nickname, how it stings my heart and all I can think about is how much I long for closure, for kind words to be spoken between us all, for reconciliation.

I don’t want reconciliation like us to be friends again. I don’t want to hang out with them. I don’t want to have dinner together. I don’t want to go to that church ever again. I don’t want us to text again or share stories or even have an actual conversation again. I do not desire any of those things. All I want is in some way, some how, for them to know I don’t hate them, just the opposite, and I want to know in return that they don’t hate me and that they didn’t lie to their kids about what happened and that sometimes maybe even just for a millisecond they sorta kind a teeny, tiny bit miss me.

I feel so unheard. I feel so cut off.  I have started a letter to them so many times but what can I say? I feel as though nothing I say, even if I said it out of complete love and forgiveness would be “taken” right. I feel like anything I want to say would only bring up more anger, hurt feelings and defensiveness. On both sides.

I just want to say “Hey.” Not even “How are you?” or anything complicated or phony. I don't need a conversation or to “catch up," I just want to clear the air I guess. I wish I could just look at them all and say...

Because I knew you, I am different. Because I knew you, I have been changed...because I knew you...

**cue song lyrics**

"It well may be

That we will never meet again

In this lifetime

So let me say before we part

So much of me

Is made of what I learned from you

You'll be with me

Like a handprint on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you have re-written mine

By being my friend..."