The thing is though, that unhealthiness is not embodied in one relationship or in one situation. I cannot simply leave an unhealthy relationship and become healthy. Unhealthiness is in my blood, in my brain, in my life. I cannot run away from it. It is in every interaction I have with others. It is in the way I talk to them, perceive them, and the way I talk to myself, perceive myself and tell myself how I "should" interact with others. It is in my habits and beliefs. It has been with me since I was born. Probably even before that.
Everything always seems fine at first. I start over. New people. New relationships. I think I'm sailing smooth. Then, ever so slowly unhealthiness creeps in. It is very slow. So slow that I never notice it. If it would just go BAM and attack suddenly, I think I could fight it off. But it's not like that. It's a creepy green goo that oozes into little cracks and pores that I leave open. It is so minuscule that I don't even notice. I continue on with what I am doing and then one day I turn around and I suddenly realize…Crap! I'm unhealthy again! There's green ooze covering EVERYTHING. It's EVERYWHERE.
It goops up my whole brain so I cannot think clearly. It drips down and gets in my eyes - it's blinding. Suddenly my eyelids feel crusted shut like I have pink eye. It pools so heavy and thick on my chest that I cannot breathe, it feels like an elephant is standing on my sternum. It crawls all over my fingers - so sticky I cannot even open the door to get to a sink to wash my hands. It super glues my feet to the the floor. It embodies me. It engulfs me. Swallows me whole. And then I am lost in a black, dark pit of despair and I cannot find a way out. It happens time after time after time after time after time…and I guess I thought if I moved, it would not happen anymore. I thought if I left everyone who knew me and I started with new people who didn't even know I was unhealthy…then I thought I could hide it. I thought maybe green goo wouldn't show up in different lighting. I thought these new people would not even notice it and therefore I would not even notice it either and then it would simply disappear!
But it doesn't work like that. Apparently.
So what is this snot-like goo of unhealthiness? It's difficult to say, really. It manifests itself in so many different ways.
Sometimes it's sleepless nights full of unrealistic anxieties, and other times it's ruthless nightmares that leave me in cold sweats. It is depression; unreasonable suicidal thoughts; it is hateful, despising and down-right abusive self-talk. It is washing a hand towel after using it one time, and being throughly convinced every single night that dust or bugs got on my sheets during the day so I must change them before I can lie down. It's telling friends they don't like me and forcing them to fulfill my self-fulfilling prophesies of leaving me abandoned.
It is a vicious cycle in a downward spiral.
At home when this gooyness would engulf me, I found myself over-indulging in relationships, staying busy from the second I woke up literally until the second I crashed in bed. I would constantly have something to do, someone to be with, some project to absorb all of my energy. I think most people would think this was a "good idea" but in many ways it proved to be a bad thing, as evidenced by the ruined friendships and the fact that when I moved here I could not stand to have a quiet moment without some distraction from my brain.
Oddly enough, here as this small spout of unhealthiness surfaces, I have found myself equally distracting my brain but in a new way. I have withdrawn from many people around me and engaged in books, cleaning and organizing. It's still the same concept: remaining busy enough to not think about the goo.
I am tired of being distracted. I am tired of feeling unhealthy. I think living the majority of my life "distracted" is a horrific tragedy. I think living a life of avoiding, adds more things to avoid. (*Side note: Don't take my words to the other end of the spectrum. I am by no means suggesting that it is healthy or beneficial to "sit around and mope" or to constantly think about things that make you sad. I am all for getting out of the house and turning on happy music even if you don't "feel" happy.)
The truth is, goo is inevitable in life. Everyone is a little bit unhealthy. Everyone has at least one unhealthy pattern, belief, habit, mindset, at some point. But how can one deal with an unhealthy problem when they are drowning in 7,000 foot deep pit of unhealthy goop!?
Any new, small goo added on to my life seems unreasonably unbearable because it adds on to what is already there. And by now that tower of problems, struggles, unhealthy habits, fears - it is all so high I cannot even see the top. It is such a large force I don't even know which situation caused which or how to untangle them.
I ran away here so I did not have to run away any longer. I am distanced here so I do not have to be distracted any longer. And I have a plan!!
So I introduce to you, dear nonexistent readers, my first big adventure of 2014:
It's called "Purposefully-Gooping-Unhealthy-Goo-All-Over-Everything-And-Constantly-Thinking-About-It-And-Facing-It-Every-Single-Day-And-Not-Allowing-Myself-To-Be-Distracted-From-It."
I call it my "PGUGAOEACTAIAFIESDANAMTBDFI" Plan for short.
In understandable English, what this plan really means is that I am going to write. I have long known that I am a writer for I write constantly even if just in my head. I am going to write down everything that happened. Everything. Everything that I have ever tried to be distracted from, from the moment I was three years old. Every thing that I ever thought was my fault, everything that I felt ashamed of, everything that I was too afraid to talk about, and every unhealthy thing that ever existed. And I am even going to talk about Februarys. Which is a big deal because I hate to talk about Februarys.
It's sheer stupidity I tell you - to run from green goo your whole entire life and then - when running full force to stop dead in your tracks, turn around, look it square in the eye and say "COVER ME DAMMIT! COVER ME AND BRING ME EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT! I AM NOT RUNNING ANYMORE! GOOP ME UP!!"
It's going to be hard, I know that. But I know that layer by layer I can completely demolish this goo. I know I am going to feel like I am suffocating. I know there are sleepless nights ahead for me, while I stay up wrestling with this sticky, poisonous goo. I know I am going to call into question every event, feel ashamed all over again, feel like all these things could have been avoided if I were just different or better or not so me-like! I know it is going to be a bumpy ride. But I also know that when I am done writing, I won't feel ashamed any more. I know that when I am done, I can forgive myself and the others that hurt me.
I am not saying when I complete this writing, that ten years down the road I won't have a sleepless night full of unrealistic anxieties. I think I, along with many other members of my family, struggle with mental illness and I don't think that is something I can simply shrug away. But I do think I can fight it so much that I can get to a place where even my most unhealthy days are ten times healthier than what they used to be.
Here's to a big (and Messy) adventure!
