Different(ly) #2

I kept saying I wanted to move here because I wanted things to be different. And guess what? They are! But life is a fickle thing and things are different in a way I hadn't expected before.

Adventure I wanted...and adventure did I get! But adventure doesn't always look the way we want it too. When we think of adventure, I think we mostly think of the after part. We think of Bell after she married the Beast, of Ariel after she got her voice back. We think about the stories we can tell after the hike up the mountain or the three flat tires in one day. But we forget about the actual going through the adventure part - Bell feeling lonely in the castle, Ariel missing her father and realizing she made a mistake, the bugs and the heat and the burning muscles while you are hiking or changing those tires.

I'm in the midst of the adventure right now and I know there will be wonderful stories to tell someday but the middle part of it...is well...different than I thought.

Where do I even begin?

These past two weeks have been extremely full with plans with people almost every night of the week. I have new friends to eat with, church small groups, meetings at work, even a date! I have had conversations with new friends that felt like they were old friends and I have recently been able to feel connected here in ways I haven't since I was in college. I am so happy and it's not that I don't miss my old friends anymore because I do, it's just that my heart doesn't necessarily ache for them in the way that it normally does. I don't feel the powerful urge to jump in the car and go see them and that is a very different and refreshing feeling.

It's a strange paradox though, because the more I feel connected to people here, the less I felt connected to people at home. I still wanted to call them or Skype with them but I haven't had the time and then this weekend when I have tried to get caught up - they all seem too busy in their own lives as well.

I'm thankful to be connected here but I feel almost stuck in the middle - like I have friends at home and friends here but neither one are super close since old ones are fading and the new ones are still new. I want to stay extremely connected in both places which takes a lot of energy and is something I cannot do on my own. I'm beginning to see some friends not want to make the effort to stay as connected as I'd like and it hurts.

I know full well that I haven't been 100% honest in why I moved here. I know I truly moved here because in my heart of hearts I knew I had to get away and let go of some things I never could have let go of back home. I know that and I am proud of myself for trying to move on, but I'm not completely ready to just let go just yet.

I do realize that at some point, there will come a time when I must stop sharing every little detail with my friends about my daily life and they will stop sharing every little detail with me. Soon we will begin sharing only broader details about our weeks, our months and a little later it becomes an even larger gap where we only speak a few times a year or even just every few years and we send each other Christmas cards and wedding invites. But I'm not ready for that point yet. I'm not ready to let go. And it hurts me if some of my friends are there so quickly.

My job...oh my job. It's an adventure all it's own. I took this job because I applied at over thirty places and it was the only one to call me back. Silly me thought with a college degree I'd be able to waltz into a job anywhere (no one told me experience was necessary and degrees don't mean much except student loan payments) and that is definitely not the case. Even after I accepted this job I thought I'd be there two weeks, maybe a month max. I thought surely once I moved here I'd be able to get any other job immediately! But noooo....I've been at my oh so temporary job about two months now. 

I'm so thankful to be working and having a paycheck but it's...it's just not for me. My heart aches to be with foster children who hurt and ache and need so much help. I don't like the drama, manipulation and dishonesty around me. I understand that happens in EVERY job - believe me I'm not waiting for a perfect place to work. It's just that my soul longs for a specific job that I cannot seem to get my foot in the door for. Not only that, but I don't like who I am when I'm there. I am mean, frustrated, a short fuse. I get angry and don't treat the kids the way I would want to be treated. I know that if I were in daycare, I wouldn't want me as my teacher.

But these past few weeks I have been reminded of God's enormous love for me. He is so capable of giving me a new job and yet door after door has been closed and I am growing more and more confident that He is in control and has me right where He wants me. 

God knows the absolute BEST possible plan for me and although at times I wish some aspects of it were different, I am certain that He won't keep me there a day longer than I'm supposed to be there. He has blessed me greatly with new friends and family here and I am thankful. This morning a wonderful peace has overwhelmed me and I just know that He is in control.

Unknown

I can officially get around town without using my GPS. And I know some people here now! People at work, church, and my neighbors.

75% of me feels comforted by that. 75% of me likes that I have someone to call in an emergency and that if I were to die some people here would know. To know others and be known is something many people in the world seek

And yet, the other 25% of me sort of wants to pack up and leave to somewhere new now.

I guess there's just that one little quarter of me that doesn't want to be known by anyone anymore. I don't feel like I've necessarily been honest with everyone...including myself...in all my reasons for coming here. I think part of it is that relationships hurt. When you get close to people, it can be dangerous because people who know you well can hurt you the absolute most. And getting attached to people is just...a really hard thing to get over.

To be in a place where no one can hurt you because no one knows you, well it feels a little bit comforting.

I still like it here. For a good whole month I didn't cry one tear and I only missed people in words.

But a few nights ago, I had a dream about all my friends and I began to miss people with my entire soul. I began to miss the wrinkles on their faces, and the way a hug from them warms my heart. I began to miss the way their eyes look at me and all their quirks and every single thing that irritates me about them. I miss my mom and my two best friends and my friends from college and my aunt and uncle.

I don't want to miss people. I want to be a big girl. I want to be someone that my friends can be proud of. I want them to know that I haven't cried that much and that I'm doing really well and I'm being so strong and so big. I'm trying not to dwell on it and be strong. I want people to look at me and think I am strong, that I am an independent woman.

I suppose I'm not quite there yet.


To be unknown is safe. But the way I'm feeling tonight, I'd rather run back and be hurt by the people I love.

Looking for a Reason

I arrived in my new place safe and sound! Things here are pretty great and just like I wanted. I'm still a work in progress though. I didn't just move here and magically become the person I wanted to be, but I am working on making things different.

It's certainly not perfect but I am much happier here than I would have been at home. It is definitely easier to be away from all the people I knew and clear my head. I needed to get away from everything and empty out all my thoughts. There are so many people I miss and love and yet I want to just completely forget what they look like. It's much easier here to be healthy and that's precisely what I wanted.

But another great adventure has called me. They said I could leave and go travel with them for 2 years. It would be an amazing, amazing experience and one I would remember for the rest of my life. Up until last May I was pretty set on this 2 year adventure program. It was my plan. All I wanted. No doubts.

But after they didn't call me I began to feel restless and I gave up hope that they would ever call. I didn't want to spend my life waiting for them. Thus, I went for another plan, which was the adventure to pack up and move here to a town where I don't know anyone.

I like it here and I just got here and I'm not ready to leave yet.

But if I'm here for another six months and all I'm doing is sleeping, working, eating, around and around...then I have to go. I can't say no. There is no reason for me to say no if life here is just going to be like life was before I moved.

But I want to stay. I want a reason to stay. I want an excuse to say no.

I want a group of friends so close that I know I could never leave. I want seasons so beautiful that I can't stop starring at the scenery. I want a church that's so involved in ministering to those who need help that I am on a first-name basis with the homeless in this town. I want a man (with a mustache) and arms that engulf me. I want to be cozied up on his lap when someone from home asks "What about the "two year adventure?" And I want to look at them and say "The two year what?"

I want a reason to stay here. But I won't stay without one. I will go if there's no reason not to. But I don't want to. Please, please dear God, please give me reasons to stay.

Different(ly)

I'm moving because I want different. 

I want life to look different. I want to feel different(ly). I want to be a different person. I want different people whom I can interact with in a different way and who see me different(ly). I want people whom I can love different(ly) and who love me different(ly) and whom I can have different relationships with.


I want to see things different(ly). I want a new perspective and some fresh air. I feel stagnant here. Suffocating. Like I'm caught in a warp of thick, humid air with no way to get a sunburn or freeze. 

I want to be a different person. I want to be the type of person who would never get in fights with other people for ridiculous reasons. I want to be the type of person who would never text mean things. I want to be mature. I want to be the type of person whom no one would ever give up on. I want the good parts of me to outweigh the bad. I want to be strong and independent. Not afraid of things. Doesn't cry all the time. Not a big, fragile baby. I want to be tough. I want to be everything I am not. Good-hearted. Kind. Easy to love. Easy to get along with. Easy to be with. Healthy. Normal. 

I'm moving 794 miles away because somehow in my mind it makes me feel like I can be different there. It makes me feel like I can become better.

I got asked tonight if I'd ever get to a place where I've "found myself" or where I like myself enough to not change anymore. It was a good question and honestly, I don't know the answer. I don't know that I'll ever truly love myself. I don't really know what that looks like. I don't know that I'll ever feel okay with who I am or what I've done. I don't know that I'll ever be able to forgive myself for every February that's ever happened. I will never be good enough for myself (as explained in this post here). How could I change enough to make up for what has happened? I don't think I can. I think I can only change enough to make sure it doesn't ever happened again. I don't see how I could ever be good enough, or kind enough, or different enough to be happy with who I am.

But since I want everything to be different....


Maybe I will try. I will try to be different in the way that I love myself. I will try to be different in the way that I allow myself some breathing room. I will try to let go of some of those mistakes. I will try to be different(ly) in that I find myself and like what I've found

Summer Adventures

There's so much to say! Way more than what could possibly be explained in one post but I shall try...

My first adventure in this post-college life is that I got a job. An extremely well paying job, with benefits and insurance and a promise to be promoted to shift manager in 6 months. Adventure 1.5 is that I quit after three days because I. HATED. IT. SOOOOOOO much. It was a horrible job and I still don't regret it although I made more in those three days than I will make anywhere else in two weeks.

The second adventure is that I had an enormous emotional breakdown for about three days in which I sobbed continuously and told my mother I had to leave the state or else I was going to die. I tried to get her to see how there were absolutely no jobs for me in this state and how I've met practically every man of marrying age and there's just no one for me here. I sat at home and panic began to set in...I'm a college graduate, living at home, with no job, no plans, no hope for a future. The word "loser" began to become permanently embedded on my arm so I felt like I had to do something to get out of this funk and quick.

Which brings me to my third and by far most exciting adventure.

I haven't written here in a long time because...I have a secret! And I don't want to tell anyone! But then I realized no one reads this anyways so it doesn't matter. Ready for my secret? Okay, here 'goes:

I thought long and hard about who I could convince to help me pack up my car and move to another state with me (because of the no jobs and no suitable knights in armor problem). After a few hours of pleading and begging and persuading, my college roommate decided she would carpe diem with me. So

I'm moving!!!! Yay!! 

I wanted to move immediately that weekend but alas being an adult means making decisions that are more "responsible" and "thought-out" (yuck!) So we've spent the past three weeks securing an apartment, u-haul, and a budget. We leave in exactly 360 hours (or 15 days)! 

The final adventure of the past month is that because of adventures number two and three...I had to get a job immediately. I needed a downpayment for our apartment and some moolah to fill my car with gas to get down there. So I went down to the *ahem* run-down fast food restaurant I worked at in high school and got a job.

It's not near as bad as I thought it would be and I've been there for three weeks now and finally have some friends. I've been talking to God and I know He is teaching me a lot of humility through this. I think I needed to take this job to get money for our apartment and hop off whatever pedestal I thought I belonged on. The biggest lesson I really see in this is how your job doesn't define who you are in life. I can make $200,000 a year and be the biggest and best business person ever but if I'm not spreading God's Word and investing in the lives of those around me, my entire life is meaningless. Or I could work at this restaurant for forty-five years straight and make a huge impact on the lives of my co-workers and customers and my life would be one of abundant joy and meaning.

I am very thankful God blessed me with a job so quickly, knowing I needed money immediately for the move. He has really been making things fall into place for this and I truly feel like this move is what He is leading me and my roommate to do. I'm so excited to see what He has in store for us!!

I haven't told anyone yet, except of course my mother. My original plan was to leave without telling anyone until I arrived at my destination but with some strong persuasion by my mother, I've been encouraged to tell a few family members who might "get their feelings hurt." I've been holding off on telling them though as long as possible because I just don't want to answer all their questions.

"Why? How? Do you have a job? What are you going to do for work? How will you get money? What about a job? Are you sure you've thought about it enough? Are you sure you've worked everything out? Are you sure you are sure?"

To which I would respond "Because I can. In a Ford. No. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Yes. Yes. Yes."

Everything is pretty much on track except for...yeah the job part. But for three weeks now I've been filling out applications and sending out cover letters daily. I kid you not, I've applied for eighteen jobs so far. Part of the problem is that I have no experience and most of that jobs I'm aiming for require some of that...(who knew?). I've lowered my standards a bit each week and I'm beginning to scratch my head and wonder why I went to college. But if I end up arriving and working at another *ahem* restaurant then so be it. God has always taken care of me and He has something great for me. I know it. He has never let me down and I know that it will work out.

Part of the fun of adventures and fairytales is that we don't know all the details yet. Jumping and not knowing where you are going to land, but trusting whole heartedly that you will land safely at some point is simply faith.

It's restless nights like tonight that make me wish I could get in my car and go now. I miss people I haven't even said goodbye to yet but at the same time I feel so exhilarated that I miss nothing.



I can't wait to be 794 miles away. That will be the real adventure!

With Brains Like These, Who Needs Enemies?

There are two different kinds of people in the world: Those with high expectations and those without high expectations. High expectation people are simply people who...expect highly of everything. Some may describe these people as being critical or negative, but I don't think so at all. I think of it rather as attention to detail and not settling for less than the best, which is actually a really good thing. 

I have a lot of these high expectation people in my life. I think I'm drawn to them. I enjoy talking to them about how we think things should have been handled, how we think that house should have been decorated, how we think certain decisions that were made could have been better. I think some of my mother's side of the family is like this and that's how we get along is by discussing our "ideals" of the rest of the family.

The problem comes in that sometimes I begin to feel inadequate around these people. If they have these high expectations of others, what kind of expectations do they have for me? I become even more critical of myself in the company of these people because I want to be what they want, I want to act how they expect me to...I don't want them to go around telling others how I should have done things better. Sometimes when I mess up in my decisions or in my interactions with these people I walk away feeling almost worthless because I know them and their high expectation ways wouldn't do such a thing. 

Last week I was thinking about how I sometimes feel around all those high expectations people and I realized that's pretty much how I feel around myself.

All the sudden it hit me like a semi truck. I am a high expectation person. DUH! How could I have not known that?! I realized not only am I a high expectation person, I am THE high expectation person. I expect more highly of myself than any of my high expectation friends or family members combined!! 

I expect perfection and nothing less. If I help someone else and someone says "You are so sweet!" I immediately counter with "No I'm not." Because I don't think I am. If I was really sweet I would do nice things all the time. If I was really sweet, I wouldn't do all the not-sweet things I constantly do. I never tell myself I did good enough, because I never think I did. I'm not a good person and I know anyone who thinks otherwise simply doesn't know me well enough. This little voice in my head tells me, "you are nothing. You are no one. And you are going nowhere." And I believe it.

I need not worry about any of my well-meaning friends who simply have a more realisitc view of life. I already have the unreachable goal, unwinnable battle of meeting my own expectations. The bar for myself is set at perfection and nothing less will do. Second place is first loser, being nice sometimes does not constitute being a nice person and messing up every once in awhile is still messing up.

With a brains like these, who needs enemies?

What It Feels Like to Be Left By Another Person

It's not like any physical pain you've ever experienced. It's not like a broken bone or the way you feel after surgery or a car accident. It's not like having a stomach bug or a constant headache that won't go away or like having teeth pulled with no pain killers. It doesn't even compare to the death of a father, the loss of a pet, or moving from your childhood home. It's not like any of that for me. 

Being left is more like a tiny, quiet, constant, dripping faucet. It's consistant and unstoppable. It follows you wherever you go. In every room of the house, in every city on the continent you can still hear it in the background. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.

It never, never goes away. It never stops, not for one second. Drip. Drip. Drip. You can plug your ears and you can turn a radio up loud, and you can burry your head under your pillow but you will swear the faucet moved right inside your ear. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. You can never fall into a deep sleep. You can never, ever hide from it. There is not one single place you can go to get away from it. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.

You can go to a bar, you can get blackout drunk, you can have sex with whomever you please, you can run away, you can post pictures of you having "so much fun!" on your facebook to try and prove you are okay, but it's still there. The moment your friends leave, the moment the sun sets, the moment you sober up, the moment you open your eyes, it's there. Drip. Drip. It's louder than thunder and stronger than any wind you have ever felt. DRIP.

You can't ever get away from it. Their posts are on facebook. Drip. Suddenly everyone knows someone by their name. Drip. Suddenly, everyone drives their same car. Drip. Every song on the radio is relatable, either to the good times you used to have or to the bad times you are having now. Drip. You no longer dream in color. Drip. Every dream you have is about them. Drip. They are there, standing right next to you - so real as if you could reach out and touch them. Drip. But then you wake up and reality sets in and you remember you are left. Drip.

Drip.
Drip.
Alone.
Drip.

You find a new hobby. Drip. Because everything you used to do reminds you of them.  You emerce yourself in it. You try to make a new life. Try to learn a new way to drive home. Try to listen to a new genre of music. Try to get a new favorite TV show. Anything that's different so you don't think of them. Drip. But at the same time, when you are all alone, you'll indulge yourself. You'll pull out their pictures, put on that song you sang together, watch that movie you saw together, hold that special gift they bought you and you'll be completely miserable as you bask in their long-goneness. Drip.

And at night, oh night is the worst. Demons dance around in your brain, so loud, taunting you, telling you all the things you already know...

You are nothing. Drip. You make everyone leave you. Drip. You deserve it. Drip. You deserve every bad thing that's ever happened to you. Drip. Drip. You are a bad person. Drip. You aren't a good friend. You aren't a good anything. You are worthless. Drip. You owe them. You owe everyone. You aren't good enough. No one misses you when you're gone. No one wants to be with you on their own, you just persuade them to be with you. Drip. You are terrible at relationships. You messed up. You deserve to be alone. You deserve to be miserable. You deserve pain. You are nothing, you are no one, and you are going nowhere. 


Drip.


Drip.


Drip.


Drip.


Drip.


And throughout the next few weeks as you contemplate your various radical options, you'll become convinced, thoroughly convinced that it will never go away. You will never see in color again. You will never truly laugh again. They will always be in your dreams and you will always wake up with an immensely deep longing and ache in your soul. You begin to adjust to this "new normal" way of life. 

It takes months. Years. It feels like centuries. But ever so slowly, things become different. You don't realize it at first. It creeps up on you like a snail. But one day you realize that jokes are a little bit funny again. One day you realize that there are purple flowers growing outside your office. One day you realize that you smiled a really deep and satisfying smile and it had nothing to do with them.

And one day, many many months down the road you realize you are okay. You realize you are even sort of happy. You realize you like this normal that is your life and to go back to the way things were now would be un-normal.

The dripping never fully goes away. It never just turns off. It's always there. But it does fade. It simply becomes part of your life in the background, another part of your story. After a decade or so, you are even able to talk about it without falling into the fetal position and sobbing hysterically.

But for now, the dripping is still close. The faucet is still loud and clear. And constant. Always constant.

It's still too soon. You're still not okay. And every night, you still wish you could go back to that one night, to that one moment, to that one text, to that one meeting and just take everything back. You still feel that biting ache in your heart. You still wish everything was just so different. You still aren't used to the new normal. And you still wish they would just come back and you could be un-left and un-alone and un-regretful.

Drip.

To me,

that's what it feels like to be left by another person.

Letter to Me

When I was in high school I could not wait to graduate. I was counting down the seconds until I could get out of that place! Things were so hard and I could not see how life was ever going to be okay again. People told me over and over that high school didn’t matter, that all those mean kids would fade into the background and in just a few years I would not even remember their names. Of course in high school you don't believe anything adults tell you so I waved off their insensitivities to my hurts that I would most certainly remember for as long as I lived!

Well guess what? All those crazy adults were completely right. The moment I began college everything from high school seemed so meaningless and silly. I could not believe I wasted so much time and energy being so upset about those kids (what were their names again?)

Well here I am again, all upset about things and feeling like life just won't ever be the same. Feeling like the hurts I have right now won't ever be healed, the pain will never dim, and maybe everything good to look forward to in life is over.

So I thought I would channel the future and have a much more adult me write myself a letter...

**ahem**

Dear Me,

         Ten years have passed since you graduated college and your thirty-third birthday was much like your twenty-third. I know you are scared to go out in the "real" world right now. The transition will be a little bit rough at times, but you end up making it through just fine I promise!

         Wait just a year and things will be so different. You'll look back on this time and smile at all the fears you had. Just hang on a little longer - good things are so, so close! You are right on the edge just about to tip over a hill on the wonderful roller coaster that is your life.Those college days were awesome but they are nowhere near the best days of your life.

         All those hurts you have right now? You don't even remember the details anymore. It’s all faded into the background. Save all those tears kiddo because in just a few years none of that matters. Trust me on this one! You have friends that are true and loyal, with you through thick and thin.

         Let go of all that guilt. Practice loving yourself a little more. Pick better people to hang out with. Don't settle but work on contentment. Don't spend so much time worrying about the future - you are happy, trust me! I cannot even tell you all the great things in your life because you just wouldn't believe me! ;)

         Chin up little fighter, adventure is coming your way!!

Love,

Yourself

P.S.
Do not ever fear about becoming an old maid.
He is here and he. is. wonderful. ;)