There are two different kinds of people in the world: Those with high expectations and those without high expectations. High expectation people are simply people who...expect highly of everything. Some may describe these people as being critical or negative, but I don't think so at all. I think of it rather as attention to detail and not settling for less than the best, which is actually a really good thing.
I have a lot of these high expectation people in my life. I think I'm drawn to them. I enjoy talking to them about how we think things should have been handled, how we think that house should have been decorated, how we think certain decisions that were made could have been better. I think some of my mother's side of the family is like this and that's how we get along is by discussing our "ideals" of the rest of the family.
The problem comes in that sometimes I begin to feel inadequate around these people. If they have these high expectations of others, what kind of expectations do they have for me? I become even more critical of myself in the company of these people because I want to be what they want, I want to act how they expect me to...I don't want them to go around telling others how I should have done things better. Sometimes when I mess up in my decisions or in my interactions with these people I walk away feeling almost worthless because I know them and their high expectation ways wouldn't do such a thing.
Last week I was thinking about how I sometimes feel around all those high expectations people and I realized that's pretty much how I feel around myself.
All the sudden it hit me like a semi truck. I am a high expectation person. DUH! How could I have not known that?! I realized not only am I a high expectation person, I am THE high expectation person. I expect more highly of myself than any of my high expectation friends or family members combined!!
I expect perfection and nothing less. If I help someone else and someone says "You are so sweet!" I immediately counter with "No I'm not." Because I don't think I am. If I was really sweet I would do nice things all the time. If I was really sweet, I wouldn't do all the not-sweet things I constantly do. I never tell myself I did good enough, because I never think I did. I'm not a good person and I know anyone who thinks otherwise simply doesn't know me well enough. This little voice in my head tells me, "you are nothing. You are no one. And you are going nowhere." And I believe it.
I need not worry about any of my well-meaning friends who simply have a more realisitc view of life. I already have the unreachable goal, unwinnable battle of meeting my own expectations. The bar for myself is set at perfection and nothing less will do. Second place is first loser, being nice sometimes does not constitute being a nice person and messing up every once in awhile is still messing up.
With a brains like these, who needs enemies?
