I want life to look different. I want to feel different(ly). I want to be a different person. I want different people whom I can interact with in a different way and who see me different(ly). I want people whom I can love different(ly) and who love me different(ly) and whom I can have different relationships with.
I want to see things different(ly). I want a new perspective and some fresh air. I feel stagnant here. Suffocating. Like I'm caught in a warp of thick, humid air with no way to get a sunburn or freeze.
I want to be a different person. I want to be the type of person who would never get in fights with other people for ridiculous reasons. I want to be the type of person who would never text mean things. I want to be mature. I want to be the type of person whom no one would ever give up on. I want the good parts of me to outweigh the bad. I want to be strong and independent. Not afraid of things. Doesn't cry all the time. Not a big, fragile baby. I want to be tough. I want to be everything I am not. Good-hearted. Kind. Easy to love. Easy to get along with. Easy to be with. Healthy. Normal.
I'm moving 794 miles away because somehow in my mind it makes me feel like I can be different there. It makes me feel like I can become better.
I got asked tonight if I'd ever get to a place where I've "found myself" or where I like myself enough to not change anymore. It was a good question and honestly, I don't know the answer. I don't know that I'll ever truly love myself. I don't really know what that looks like. I don't know that I'll ever feel okay with who I am or what I've done. I don't know that I'll ever be able to forgive myself for every February that's ever happened. I will never be good enough for myself (as explained in this post here). How could I change enough to make up for what has happened? I don't think I can. I think I can only change enough to make sure it doesn't ever happened again. I don't see how I could ever be good enough, or kind enough, or different enough to be happy with who I am.
But since I want everything to be different....
Maybe I will try. I will try to be different in the way that I love myself. I will try to be different in the way that I allow myself some breathing room. I will try to let go of some of those mistakes. I will try to be different(ly) in that I find myself and like what I've found
